open heart

so my pastor has us make a list at the beginning of the year of things that we want God to do in our lives. for the past 3 years my husband has been on the list. the first year it was "let me know if it's Your will for me to have a husband." the next year, after confirmation from many people and other sources, husband was on there with a few other things like let him have a worshipful heart, wants kids, etc. then last year a few more items were added to my list like that he would come find me when we are both ready and that we would both have confirmation around the same time. when making out my list for this year (and i have several other things on there, not just about my husband fyi. like last year i had em's salvation and sure enough, she asked Jesus to come live in her heart!) i kept feeling that God was wanting me to ask that my husband come this year. i kept talking myself out of it by saying that God has His own timetable and that He will send him to me when it's time. but over and over again i kept feeling like God was wanting me to put that on the list. so i did.

i have thought a lot about it since then. why didn't i really want to put that on the list? what was it that was keeping me from being totally honest and open with Him? well, honestly, mostly b/c i didn't want to be disappointed. i didn't want to let myself be that vulnerable to anyone, even God. i was afraid of getting hurt. i still struggle with the faith of it all.

but this whole time that's exactly what God was wanting from me. to trust Him completely. to stand on His promises. to be vulnerable to Him and tell Him the real desire of my heart. He desires that deep intimacy with me and the relationship that says it's ok to be vulnerable to Him. here are the things i know: that He is faithful and has good plans never to harm me. those who trust in Him will never be put to shame, and He will give me the desires of my heart. how could i not trust Him with my heart?!

so here i am God. my heart is in Your hands. i am trusting You with my life and my future. i know that You do have Your own timetable, but i've let you know my real desires. i will keep waiting and trusting You everyday for Your promises and thanking You for what You've already done.